The feelings can be best described in Nasir Kazmi’s words –
भरी दुनिया मे जी नही लगता,
जाने किस चीज़ की कमी है अभी?
दिल मे एक लहर सी उठी है अभी…
I can’t put a finger on anything specific…but a general feeling on discomfort lingers on. I feel as if something important is missing in my life.There is a sort of… malaise.
Maybe, it’s mid-life crisis showing up too early…just like my wisdom teeth did! 😉 But seriously, there has to be life beyond regular work, there has to be life beyond working for living, for earning your bread & butter (and few books, music, Naturals’ Tender Coconut Ice-Cream and few such mundane things! :)) . There has to be some life beyond software!
I remember those words from “Rarang Dhaang“, and really wonder like Vishwanath if one could really ever have the freedom to do what he wants to do? I know – there are people who do dare to walk the ‘road less traveled’ and there are those who follow their instincts. I have had few chances recently to meet few such people and talk to them, and I know it’s possible if you have the courage of conviction. But then, you can’t just deny the social pressure and maybe, there is this another desire to prove myself as well – even in materialistic terms. Perhaps, it’s not so much about outside pressure…but maybe my own beliefs and the responsibilities, liabilities that I don’t want to shrug off myself! Aren’t we all bound by some beliefs and conventions that we believe in? So, there’s a sort of conflict…to go ahead with what heart says, and then there’s this funny thing called as reality! (“Reality is an illusion, albeit a persistent one”, says none other than Albert Einstein himself!) And I keep humming…
कुछ और ज़माना कहता है, कुछ और है ज़िद मेरे दिल की
मैं बात ज़माने की मानूँ, या बात सुनूँ अपने दिल की|
It feels strange & frighteningly restless …the feeling that can only can be understood by the one who experiences it…when all that you carry while traveling all those different places…while meeting all those different people… is your sense of not belonging there! When you just keep feeling out of place most of the times! You just keep feeling all alone (not necessarily lonely) among all the crowd that you just can’t relate to!
Of late I am feeling it very intensely that I want to do something more, something different than what I am already doing but unable to figure out what exactly it could be. There are some options, several ideas and few dreams, but little unsure how to go ahead with that. Would love to write more, but somehow not feeling inspired at the end of the day! How I wish I could just take it a bit easy…just relax a bit and do things that I really want to do rather than being dragged by the monotonous routine of life. I want to break this monotony of life….and would love to get in tune with my inner calling — only if I could get the noise inside to dissolve in the calm inside. So I could hear something more transcendental…so I could listen to the silence within and the understand the music it’s trying to play. Hmm, how I long for that elusive solitude & solace…Maybe, there is a different drummer playing somewhere, I can hear the muffled beats but can’t yet make out what it is all about… Maybe there’s a flute inside calling, and I am not yet able to make out which new raga it is trying to produce. Maybe it’s matter of time and getting more in tune with the inner self…the real me…without all those labels, complexes and self-imposed limitations! The decision will have to be taken someday – and I will follow my instincts. Maybe it’s just a matter of time before I find out what it would be. Maybe – it’s not going to be something totally unconventional & impractical…but it certainly won’t be based on the materialistic value or monetary returns of the activity. I am trying to figure out some sort of unique way to allow me to do what I really want to do and will not be completely reckless or impractical. Let’s see…
Questions…followed by endless options & repercussions…they just keep floating and show me visions that I don’t understand yet. I keep staring at them in oblivion… trying to understand, trying to figure out what dreams they would show and how would I shape them? Road less traveled keeps calling, a different drummer plays on…and I try to become more quiet, more calm; to listen to the silence within, to listen to the music within! Hoping that someday I would step to the music that I hear…. a different drummer plays on!